Learning to Parent Myself While Parenting Them

(Because emotional intelligence didn’t come with the baby books — I had to teach it to both of us.)

No one tells you that parenting will turn you into a mirror. Yeah, that’s fun.

Every time my kids push my buttons, I realize those buttons didn’t come from them. They’ve been there all along - built from years of “be quiet,” “don’t cry,” and “respect your elders.” Emotional intelligence wasn’t something that was really taught in the generation before mine. Therapy wasn’t common, self-regulation wasn’t a topic, and feelings were something you either “got over” or “kept to yourself.” My parents did the best they could with the tools they had — and let’s be honest, they didn’t have many.

So, when I became a parent, I had to start building those tools from scratch.

I didn’t learn emotional regulation in childhood. I still have to work at this every. single. day.

I learned compliance. I learned to bottle things up, to shut down when I felt misunderstood, and to confuse silence with peace. And then I had kids — three of them — and suddenly, I had to teach emotional intelligence that I didn’t even fully have yet.

The Wake-Up Call

There’s nothing quite like hearing your own tone come out of your child’s mouth. It’s humbling — sometimes mortifying. (and sometimes a little funny)

My wake-up call came when my oldest started snapping at her sisters the same way I snapped when I was overstimulated. It wasn’t intentional; it was familiar.

That’s when it hit me: I can’t just tell them how to act. I have to show them how to feel, how to cope, how to come back from a mistake - all the things I was still figuring out myself.

Parenting While Reparenting

Parenting while reparenting is like building the plane while you’re flying it. It’s learning to pause before yelling, to apologize when you do, and to model self-control instead of demanding it.

It’s catching yourself mid-snap and thinking, “Okay, that’s not about them - that’s about me.” It’s rewriting the script you grew up with, one deep breath at a time.

Sometimes that means being brutally honest with them, teaching my children that I was not mad or frustrated at them in situations, that I was overstimulated, there were a lot of noises and high emotions - it empowered them to speak up when they did not know how to verbalize it before.

Half the time, I’m not mad at them — I’m overwhelmed, tired, and overstimulated, trying to pour from a cup that’s basically evaporated. (FYI, this can happen to them, too.)

What I’m Teaching (and Learning) at the Same Time

Here’s what I try to show my kids — and remind myself:

1. Feelings aren’t wrong — actions can be (parenting blog dives into teaching this too).
   You can be angry without being cruel. Sad without shutting down.

2. Apologies are repair, not surrender.
   Saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t mean you’ve lost control - it means you’ve chosen connection over ego. It also means actively trying to control reactions better.

3. Boundaries aren’t punishments.
   For them or for me. Sometimes “Mom needs five minutes alone” is self-awareness, not rejection. Explaining this to them only builds their understanding and helps BOTH of you on the journey.

4. Grace is a skill.
   For others and for ourselves. It’s kind of like that saying forgiveness is not for the person who hurt you, but giving yourself the ability to let it go. (and freeing up that rental space in your mind)

The Honest Truth

Learning to parent yourself while parenting them is messy. It’s uncomfortable. It’s sitting in the same lessons you’re trying to teach and realizing you still have homework.

But it’s also healing.

Every time I handle something better than I did last time, every time I pause instead of yell, every time I show them calm instead of chaos — I’m rewriting the story. They notice.

I’m giving them the tools I wish I had earlier.