Gentle Parenting, What the French Toast?

Most of us grew up learning what we are allowed and not allowed to do, and some of us grew up with a demand for respect and not a lot of room to ask questions. Which is why we are all on medication or in therapy or just out here taking it on the chin, doing the best we can. Raising children is not for the weak, especially when all we know is what not to do based on our childhoods and what we did not like about them.

That started the age of gentle parenting. Most everyone thinks that means let your kid be a a**hole because you cannot yell and they should not be punished for how they feel.

While the yelling is less than ideal and not punishing for emotions IS true, how the heck are we supposed to deal with that?!

Don’t worry. It took most of my adult life to learn to deal with how I feel and control what I can control, my actions following the emotion. Which is EXACTLY why this was priority post number one.

Gentle parenting does not mean they do whatever they want with no consequences. It actually means breaking down to them what they did wrong, what parts of it were wrong, why it was a poor decision, and giving them tools for dealing with that emotion, to use next time. It DOES still hold them accountable and does not mean there is no punishment (Yes, this process takes some repeating.)

Let’s go through some examples:

I have a pre-teen who lets her sarcasm and comments get the best of her. She was not very nice to her siblings most of the time, and really had no idea what to do with her emotions.

I sat down and explained that it is okay for her to be frustrated, she has every right to feel mad or sad- but when she is feeling that way, she needs to remember 2 things:

1- She has to explain to me and verbalize as best she can what is going on or what she is dealing with, so I can be her back p. (i.e., if she had a horrible day at school and needs some quiet time, I can run interference on the sisters. Support her and let them know she needs to be left alone for X amount of time. )

2- She cannot control how she feels, but she CAN control how she acts. And I will not tolerate her bullying her sisters (or me, for that matter).

When we had this conversation, I had her make a list of 5 things she is good at, 5 things she needs to work on, 5 things she loves, and 5 things she dislikes.

Things she is good at to remind herself how talented she is. 5 things that need to work on, to set self-goals. 5 things she enjoys doing for rewards, chores she doesn’t hate contributing to, etc, and 5 things she does not like, to gauge what is interesting to her and what is not. 1.5 years later, she still has this list and uses it to hold herself accountable for what she does and communicate likes and dislikes.

When she goes off the rails, because she’s still a kid and she WILL because even most adults have not mastered self-control- we revisit that.

Practicing this in general.

If a child does something that requires consequences. I first ask, how were you feeling when you did “x,y,z” - what was the situation, what happened that led to the action? Understanding how your child behaves when they experience something and redirecting that energy in a different direction over and over again is the only way to change that behavior.

When you take this approach, you’re not letting them “get away” with things; you’re teaching them how to manage the why behind their behavior. It’s not easy, and it’s not instant. Sometimes it feels like you’re explaining the same thing for the hundredth time, but the goal isn’t perfection; it’s progress and understanding.The hardest part? Stay calm yourself (Mission Impossible: 9?). It’s a constant reminder that we also have to practice what we’re teaching. Because if I’m expecting my kids to regulate, communicate, and reflect, I have to model that- even when I want to throw the remote through a wall.

Gentle parenting isn’t about being passive; it’s about being purposeful. It’s not “no discipline,” it’s “discipline with direction.” You’re still the parent, you still set the boundaries, and you’re also giving your kids the emotional tools to handle life when you’re not there to narrate their feelings for them.

So the next time your child melts down or mouths off, try this:

Pause before reacting. Breathe. (Or mutter a silent prayer, your choice.)

Ask what they’re feeling and why. It sounds simple, and you might not even get it- but it helps them slow down, too.

Explain the impact, not just the rule. “When you said that, it hurt your sister’s feelings,” - I like to throw in there a “Do you want me to start talking to you like that all the time?” not just “Don’t talk like that.”

Redirect, don’t just punish alone. If they slammed a door, have them fix what they broke and talk through what they could do next time instead- some say don’t punish at all, but that’s not the real world. In the real world, there are consequences for bad choices, and I believe there does need to be some sort of lesson besides just me talking to them about emotions and providing an example (“If I broke this at work, I would get fired from my job”). I only revisit this rule when it comes to being dishonest (Link to Lying Post).

You’ll repeat it more than you’d like, and you’ll lose your patience sometimes- because you’re human. But every time you circle back and try again, you’re showing them what accountability, self-awareness, and real love look like.

Because gentle parenting isn’t just about being nicer or better to your kids, it’s 100% about raising emotionally intelligent adults that don’t find shame in accountability, and maybe even healing a little of the chaos we grew up with in the process.